Ugggg!!!!

UG! Man, today sucked! PEOPLE SUCK! Kids, if you have the chance between being a 5 or 6 year old forever, or growing up... choose to stay a kid. People tend to suck when they get older. GAH! I AM PISSED OFF! It's even worse where I am. My school is full of kids who are well off. I'm a scholarship student and I at least practice something called humanity. I am so mad at this one girl, who is supposed to be a close friend of mine. I really want to say this to her:
           "Did you have time enough to study for the somewhat non important 10th grade midterm exams, bitch? Well, guess what. FUCK YOU! I AM DONE WITH YOU! YOU HAVE TURNED INTO UN UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SNOB! JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM! Yea, remember me? I'm the girl who actually liked you for you and THOUGHT you were amazing!!! Remember when we used to say "It's us against the World?" Or have you forgotten? Who was there when the whole Nick thing happened, and who was it that was over at your house contently and let you rant and pour your feelings out, without ever complaining EVEN THOUGH she was going through shit too? It wasn't Anne Katherine, or Sylvia  Oh yea, IT WAS ME! I honestly cant take it anymore. If you want to screw you life up and fuck everyone else over, be my fucking guest. I'm just not going to be there when your twisted world crashes around you. Now you know, I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces anymore. And maybe you never felt you needed me. But, I wish you some FUCKING luck to find another person who will do that. Your gonna need it."
        I REALLY want to say this to her... but, I can't. I'm too much of a nice person. I have no idea what to do with her. And I really wish I could help... but I can't. I don't know what to do, and I don't have the energy for it anymore. I would love to stay her friend... but not when she is acting the way she is. I liked the sweet pippa better. I like the Pippa who used to laugh with me and who used to come to my house all the time and who just generally gave the feel that she genuinely liked me. I don't have a lot of people in my life like that at the moment.

Really Hard Day

Man, what a hard day today. First off, let me tell you something. I normally go to bed at midnight every night because I have lots of work I need to do. That's fine. I have gotten used to it. Now, picture this. You go to bed at midnight, but then you have to get up at 5am to go to swim practice. Oh, and it gets better. When you get to training, you find out it's going to be hard. You already could never really do long distance... but now that you have developed Iron Deficiency Anemia, it makes it even harder. Somehow, you survive... but then you are looking at a full day of school and play practice (which you have a lead in and have to help everyone else with their parts because you have a good eye) after school until 18:30, running on very little food and a lot of water, because you want to watch your weight. Then you are up till midnight and the whole process repeats itself. This is my life, on a normal day. This doesn't include Saturdays and Sundays. So as you can see I have a busy life. I am not complaining... but then you have one day where it's just shitty. Today for example. Hard training in the morning and then hard classes. Then, because I had finished my scene, I had to help people get costumes and props and stuff and help people do lines AND helping people ACT BETTER! Then YOU'RE FATHER YELLS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE INSENSITIVE! Yes! I get it! His hand hurts after all the surgery and stuff! I GET IT! But, I LITERALLY thought I was going to collapse on my feet. MY VISION EVEN WENT DARK AT ONE POINT! BUT NOOOOO, I FOUGHT IT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FAINT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! And, then he is yelling at me and calling me names. Of course I knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of the things he said, but it still hurt. Plus, whenever I go into math class, I actually feel like I am RETARDED! I feel like the STUPIDEST person on the plant, even though I am working so hard to get that grade up. AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE- I am REALLY insecure! But, i don't tell anyone that, because I know people will just tell me I have no reason to feel like that, INSTEAD of someone actually helping me. OH! And I am having a LOT of trouble with friends. I won't go into that right now and save it for another day.

The point is, I have a lot on my plate. I honestly don't think my life sucks... but sometimes, it just gets so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. I always pull myself back up, but sometimes you just need to rant. You need to let out your frustrations. Right now though... I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Talking to Old Friends

I love talking to old friends. I really do. It makes me feel connected and brings up good memories that I almost forget. The thing is... you have to be careful sometimes. Sometimes when you talk to someone you used to like, ghosts of those feelings arise. You have to force them down. But, then other times... it's not always a bad thing. Like, just last night, I was talking to an old friend who happened to be my first boyfriend. I remembered about much of a cool person he was. I was super happy to talk with him again. We were just talking about random things and he asked me what was going on in my life at the moment. I said some things, but I also said I was single. I knew he had a girlfriend... and I was ok with that. Then he said it sucked that I was single. My insecurities leaked through and I explained that I wasn't surprised that I was single. He then typed, "What? I don't know what kind of guys you know, but you are hot and smart and fun. You are easy to talk to. You are like, most guys dream girl. Don't doubt yourself for a second. Once again, if I weren't taken I'd go for you. Hell, I'd do long distance for a girl like you." This made me blush and made my stomach  tingle. We kept talking and then it came round again. He then said, out of the blue, "Listen, when I'm single... if your still single... do you want to... I don't know... try this whole long distance thing out?" My heart leapt and speed up a thousand times over. I felt like flying. Of course.... he is taken at the moment.... and we will see where that goes... but I can't help the little glimmer of light flickering to life in my heart.

New Idea?

I have this new idea for a story. I want to make it a girl from the 50s and about her teenage life. Should I go with it? Here is a snippet from the top of my head.

     The dance was amazing. The balloons were everywhere and all different colors. They were playing rock and roll. I love Elvis Presley! "Come on, lets dance!" I say to my friend. We go out on the dance floor. No one has asked to dance with me yet, and I'm betting no one will. I try not to care and let the music sweep me. My green poodle skirt with pink polka dots swirled and twirled as I moved to the music. I dance with my friends laughing and generally having a good time. Then I noticed someone across the room watching me. It was the new boy, and he was looking either at me or my friend Holly. I bet it was Holly. Holly was perfect. She was petite and curvy. She had long curly blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. I wasn't like her at all. In fact I was an almost total opposite  I turned to her as said over the music "I think the new boy is staring at you." I giggled. Holly looked and then rolled her eyes at me. "He's looking at you!" She laughed. My eyes got wide in surprise. No boy ever really showed interest in me. With my straight, Audrey Hepburn styled brown hair, my tall, lengthy body, green eyes, and freckles... I wasn't ideal. Yes, I had curves... but that was it. He couldn't be staring at me. I looked again. He really was looking at me! "Golly..." I said under my breath. Holly laughed "Jane..." She said "Of course he is staring at you! You look rocking!" I laughed at the use of the word, and a blush formed on my cheeks. We were still dancing. The music was really good. I decided to be brave. So, with my finger, I motioned the new boy over.

Back in the Days

Just now, I was looking in the mirror, trying on cloths, playing music and I couldn't help feeling... sad. I just kept looking and kept thinking "There is nothing special about you... nothing that makes you stand out... except your short hair... and even then.... its nothing special." I tried to block the thought out. I tried with all my might. But, sadly they kept coming back, snaking around my head like a horrible fog. I have always tried to stand out, but am I really all that different from all the girls in my school. I try desperately not be like them, but somehow... I feel like its not working. I feel like I'm starting to become like the people I despise. I keep thinking about my looks. I keep wishing for cool cloths. I keeping wishing to be like the girls I see on TV. I keep silently obsessing about my weight. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't want to be like this, but somehow it happened. I want to go back to the days where I didn't care what people thought of me. Where I didn't think about cloths, or makeup, or my weight. I want to go back to the days where it was totally fine that I didn't think like everyone else. Where life was easy. I didn't have to worry about looking good or thinking "What if I look bad.... what if I look stupid..." I didn't have any of that when I was young. I was happy with just being me. But, now... I don't think I like what I see anymore. I like whats on the inside, but not the outside. Gah! I hate this. I just want to feel happy. I hate being insecure! But I CAN'T HELP IT! And that is what scares me.

7/10/2012 - 00:42

I have no inspiration what so ever...

Reality vs. Minds

Have you ever been watching a movie with your friends or family, and they are all talking, but you are silent? And you are silent because you are captivated by the movie? And you are desperately wishing you life was like that movie? I have. This usually happens when I watch movies from the 80s. Just tonight I was watching the Breakfast Club, and I kept wishing that my life would be like that movie. And then I realized why. I realized the reason that I so severely wanted to be in that movie was... no one bothered to... really... talk to me. Everyone assumes that I am ok... when I'm not. I'm really not... And I... I... I wish someone did. There is this girl, who shall remain nameless, who had problems. I'm not saying she is making them up or anything... I know she has a hard life... but people (me included) take her aside when she is upset and let her know she can talk to them. All I want is... someone who will do that for me. Someone who will realize that something is wrong and I am hurting inside. Someone who will take ME aside and say "Look, I know somethings up. You can tell me what's wrong." That is all I want. I think people assume that I have a good life and I have nothing to worry about. People assume that because I have a supporting family and friends, that I am ok. They always tell me, when I try to open up, that someone is worse off than me. They say stuff like "At least you have friends" or "At least you have a family that cares for you." And then I want to scream at them! I want to yell "I KNOW! I HAVE HEARD THIS A MILLION TIMES! BUT I STILL FEEL ALONE AND SAD AND SH*T! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN!?" But I never do. I keep my mouth shut, pretending that what they have said has made me feel better. And I never do. I feel so alone. I feel so unwanted. I feel so tired and sad. I just am...... alone...

New Territory

As you know, I have started school already. A lot of people have gone and a lot have come in. What I want to talk about, is my Drama class. Most of the people I know. There is this one girl though. She is new this year. We have really clicked. She seems really cool and nice. We have a few classes together and we go to the deli at lunch and everything. She even bought me food one day! And she has just gotten to know me. She is super easy going and fun to laugh with. She even loves My Chemical Romance, which is my favorite band. She is sooooo chill. I seriously hope that we will become close friends. She invited me over to her house on Friday and I'm excited to go. But, I am also scared. This is new territory for me. I haven't really made new friends in a while and I'm nervous. But, I'm pretty sure it will go fine. She is just really cool. and I really hope we will become close. I would really like that. Well, we will see :)

Already???

Finally got my new desk! I am very excited because now I have somewhere to work!!! And don't I need it. Already I have a lot to do... I have homework and I have to prepare for auditions and I still really want to work on my writing. Of course I knew my life was going to be busy, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. I have only had two days of school. Though, I do like the work, because after a summer of doing nothing... it's kind of a nice change. And I get to see my friends regularly now. Which is good. And in school, at lunch and stuff, I can FINALLY go off campus to the deli!!! :) I'm super excited about that. I have some cool people I get to spend time with and some really cool classes. Yes, I miss Emilie dearly, but I have made some new friends and have gotten closer to some old ones, so it's all good. I feel much more comfortable, I don't know why... but I do :) I have to go now, I have drama homework :D

First Days

Officially a sophomore! Wow, it's... different. It's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day. It's been fun, but sad at the same time. I realized how much I miss Emilie. After every class, my eyes immediately started to search for Emilie... and I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't there. Then at lunch, I was like, "Where the hell am I going to sit? And with WHO???" I solved it by sitting on D-level (where my locker is) and a few people where there. But, it's so strange. I know I will get used to it in a week or two... but it's hard. Plus, my little... friend woke me up this morning at 4:10 with cramps!!!!! That annoyed me! But, it wasn't so bad today, which was good. I had really chill classes which also helped lightening my mood. My Drama class is really great. Out of all the kids in my old class, only Elena is with me. The rest is from Dan's old class and 3 new kids. Out of the new kids, there is one girl who is NEW new to the school, and the two boys are just new to drama class. The new girl seems really cool. So over all, not a bad day. Now, I have tomorrow (first full day of classes) to look forwards too :p 

Twas the Night Before School

Twas the night before school, and all through the house, My siblings and I are frantically getting ready for the first day of school. The house is full of excited nerves. We still can't believe we are going back. My brother and I can't believe we are going to be 10th graders. Claire can't believe she is going to be an 8th grader. All of us can't believe school at all tomorrow... like it's just going to be another lazy summer day. Everyone is excited and scared. I myself am quite excited... but I have to keep reminding myself that Emilie will not be there with me. It's one of the things that is frightening me the most. I won't be able to receive her warm hug. But, i feel braver somehow today. I feel like, I'm going to survive. Of course I don't know this, but I'm hopeful. The thing with Hope is... it can be like an angle or a demon. When it's an angle, Hope brings ones spirits up and then delivers, giving the person a beautiful on-look on life. Then again, sometimes you have Hope, just to be torn down and crushed, giving a desolate on-look on life. The key is not to get your hopes up too high. I know first hand how hard this is... but, I am determined not to get my hopes up :) I know in my heart that I will survive on way or another.

Now, I must go. I am in the middle of a ritual my sister and I have. Every year before the first day of school, my sister comes into my room and we talk and do our nails and listen to music. She say "She is a super sexy unicorn-lover badass" G'night, and wish me luck for tomorrow :)

Looming in the Near Future

As I settle down for the night... I can't help the dark from entering my mind. It just two days, I will be back in school... as a 10th grader. This shouldn't be scary... right? I had braved 9th grade and nothing can be more frightful, plus, it's not the IB yet, with it's dreaded work load and stress. Yet, why do I feel so frightened? Maybe it is because, my best friend will not be with me for the first time since I came to this school. My best friend, who is truly, the closest person to me outside my family. I considered her as my sister... I still do. And ever since 6th grade, my first year at the school, she was with me... helping me, offering my comfort and friendship and a good sense. Now, she will not be with me. She is going to another school. While she goes on a new adventure... I have to stay and try a brave this school without her. I miss her... so much. Also, maybe part of the reason I am frightened is, what if I have people who I will not like in my class... stuck for another year to sit alone, and be with myself? Having a Dad as a teacher, I get to see the rough draft of the classes. Right now... it does not look good. It looks to be I have no close friends in them... besides my brother. Yes, these may change, with the influx of new student coming in. Which brings me to another point. Who will these new people be? Will they be like me? A scholarship student, not wanting to blend in with the crowd, but to stand out and try to be themselves? Or will they be sucked into the dark world of popularity, where every one is foolishly trying to be like each other, yet that world is full of jealousy and distrust and betrayal  Will they be sucked into that world, where the only defense is to be mean and spiteful? And will there be anyone for me? Someone who would love an outcast... a monster. Or will I spend another long year alone.... to have feelings for someone, but have them not return them? Or, just... alone... forever reminded of my faults and qualities that most people could never love. Reminded that there is no one for me... not until that one person can learn to love those faults and also see the good and precious in me.

Am I wrong to fear the unknown. It is inevitable that I must go. I will be brave. But, will I be strong enough? Will I be strong enough to be a good influence on others? Will I be strong enough to not be corrupted by others? Will I be strong enough to get through the year... or will I slowly fade into nothingness?

When Will it be My Turn?

I know it sounds stupid... and I have probably complained before, but... I guess... I just want to feel loved by a boy, outside my family. I know I'm still young and stuff... but I still feel like... am I really that uninteresting that I'm not worth getting to know or something? I know I'm strange... but isn't that more interesting than the stereotypical shallow, 'hot' girl that all the boys seem to go for? Does no one want have a kind of girl like me? I don't want to advertise myself and stuff... but, am I really just not worth anyone's time? It defiantly feels that way. I honestly am starting to believe it. I know, I may not have the skinniest body or the biggest boobs, or the softest skin or the nicest teeth or perfect hair... but, I'm (well I try to be) a good person. I guess, I'm just not worth anyone's time of day anymore. Everyone says "Don't worry, your time will come and all the boys will be asking for you!" But, I seriously don't believe that day will ever come. I don't believe that anyone will ever look at me twice. I don't believe anyone will think I'm worth... anything.

Moving Testimony

As you may know, I am a strong believer in Christ. Unless Communion is happening that Sunday, after worship, there is time allotted for people who have received a word or an image from God. We call these testimonies. I have gone up myself only twice, but I love listening to them, because sometimes, someone will have an image or something, and when they share, you feel it affect you being. It's a wonderful feeling. Anyway, today something unusual happened. After the worship and testimonies, there is a coffee break and then the sermon. Point is during the sermon, a women walked up and stood waiting for the speaker to finish the sentence. The speaker looked at the woman, smiled kindly and asked "Do you want to say something?" The woman nodded and proceeded to tell us her testimony.

The woman talked about how, a few days ago, she and he husband went to check up on the baby she was carrying. They found out that the baby was not in the womb anymore. it had ruptured her womb and moved to her intestine. The doctor said this may have happened a few days earlier. She had been carrying a liter of blood, that wasn't supposed to be there. So she had emergency surgery. They removed the fetus and the excess blood. She then proceeded to tell us that when she woke up out of the medicine, all she could think of was Jesus. And even though her husband and herself were morning the loss of their baby, she was still thankful that she was alive. She was thankful that god allowed her to stay here on earth. It very well could have been killed.

The story was so moving. It touched my heart, realizing the full kindness of God. Yes, the baby dies, but the woman didn't. God really is always with you. After that, I couldn't concentrate. The only I kept replaying over in my head, was me walking up to the woman and telling her that god really has his arms around her in a tight embrace. I kept thinking this over and over, and I realized that this is a message from God, telling me to go to her and say it. So I did. I was nervous because I had never done that kind of thing before, but I really felt that it was important that I did. The woman was very nice, and I could see in her eyes that it helped her a little, to get confirmation from someone else that God loves her. It was an amazing service today.

Am I a Sucker?

   Gosh, I have some bad luck. One guy who seemed really interesting hasn't talked to me in a while. Even though I know he has been on facebook and stuff, because he updates his status all the time. Great... Now, I'm chatting to this really cool guy whom I met on ISTA (NOT SHANNON!) During ISTA I had a small crush on him. He is from Lebanon. He was super sweet to me and really fun and easy to talk too. At the dance on ISTA he found out no boy has ever really asked me to dance, so he walked up to me, garbed my waist, and my hand and dance with me, old fashioned style. It was sweet and funny and cute. We just talked a lot and he made me laugh all the time. At the airport when we had to wait to for the flight and so did he. We talked and hung out with the two groups. When it was time to part way, I wanted to kiss him, but I thought he thought of me as a little kid. We talked on skype and facebook for a while and then fell out of touch.
A few weeks ago, we got talking again. And yesterday, it started getting intimate. I think I'm developing a small crush on him. He told me, that he finds me really cute and attractive. It also turns out that at the airport those many months ago, he also wanted to kiss me when we said goodbye but he was too shy. I find out that he doesn't think of me as a little kid at all. 


     Am I a sucker for boys who say sweet things to me? Am I just setting myself up for another heartache? Or is something real happening and I'm just being paranoid. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel pretty. I always tell myself that I am, so I don't do anything rash, but, in reality, I feel plain and insignificant. Am I being dumb, imagining everything? I think I'm starting to like him more than I should and I'm scared. Scared of what it might do to me if my nightmares are correct... just scared. What am I to do?

Damn Exams

I hate the end of year exams. They are two stressful. I have done 3 out of 6. And science is coming up. I'm kind of freaking out... but I think it will be fine. The exams I'm worried about is Algebra. I don't want to fail the course. I don't want to repeat the course for the summer. I hope I pass. I don't care if I go into Math 10! I WANT to go into Math 10. I'm freaking out!!! I just want to do ok, and its not looking good. I'm not doing well in the class itself, so how am I going to do good under the stress of the exam. This is bullshit.

On a happier note, there is this guy I'm interested in... and he has asked me out to go on a sort of date. I'm really happy. He seems my type. Kind of a badass but sweet and gentlemanly like at the same time. We have a butch in common. Hes really cool and hes a writer!!! :) I'm not sure where its going but, I'm interested. :)

Coming To A Close

Things are coming to a close. Such as the school year. I'm starting exams on Friday and after that I will no longer be a freshman and will be a sophomore-to-be. I am nervous for the exams, but I think I will be fine. Another thing that is coming to a close is some of my friendships with people. My best friend is moving to go to a good school in Denmark. I don't want to loose her, but I know she will be happy in her new school. There are many others. But, this lets new things come in. This summer, after school has ended, I'm going to see my family in the states. I haven't seen them for 2 years. Next year, I am going to be 16. I will make new friends. Plus, I have been so confused with this boy all year, and I have tried to convince myself he is just my friend. I have done this successfully, but still, my heart still sometimes stirs. Turns out he is moving to Shanghai. Yes, I am sad that he won't be around anymore, because he was a good friend... but in him moving, it can let someone else in... whom I have already met, and am interested. See, it's true. When a door closes something else opens. Sometimes, it's a window, sometimes it a giant hole in the wall and sometimes, it's another door. :)   

A Girl's Best Friend.

Everyone says, that a girl's best friend is chocolate. This has become the stereotype. But, while I do love some chocolate once in a while, for me... my best friends (that are objects) are books and candy :). Once a month, for two days, the cramps are ever present. I do take medicine, but sometimes it doesn't work. So, someone reads out loud or I read a book, to help my body relax around the pain and to take my mind off it. Because, after the pain has subsided (because the pill is finally working), I fall asleep. I sleep because, my body is tired after the ordeal it's just been through. And then my dreams are then filled with wonderful dreams, instead of nightmares of pain. The candy comes in, when I'm feeling sad or down, I don't go for chocolate, I go for candy. It's delicious and sweet. I absolutely LOVE it. Plus, I have cravings for sweet things often, so I turn to candy. While chocolate can be sweet, it just isn't the same thing. That is why these two things are MY best friends. :)

Perspectives or Truth?

Everyone says when you are a teenager, you have a different perspective, but is this always true? I don't think so. Lately I have been feeling terrible, but not because of my looks. I think I am good looking... that is not the issue, it's quite hard to explain. I see girls, my age, getting attention from boys. And people who think they are ugly, yet most boys find them sooooo hot. And I think to myself, 'When is it my turn? When do I get to have someone who is crazy about me?' Even this girl, whom I respect greatly, has a boyfriend and they are crazy about each other. She is quite punk goth and stuff. Anyway, the point is, I feel alone. It seems that when I start to be happy with a guy, something happens, and I am alone again. I have somewhat lost faith that I will ever get a boyfriend or anything of that sort, until I leave for collage and maybe even beyond that. I don't know. But, is this all just in my head? Am I being a typical teenager? Or is it the truth?

It's All Too Much

Everything bears down on my slender shoulders, and it's getting to be too much. Everything that used to be effortless has become effort. Everything. From getting up in the morning, to eating, to putting a fucking smile on my face for my friends. All I want to do is curl up in my warm bed, and just stay there and listen to music and sleep a bunch. It sucks. I have to pretend to be happy, because everyone else thinks they have shit to deal with. I don't want to be a burden. But, seriously... when is anyone going to help me?

Here is a list of shit

-My Dad is dealing with horrible people he is working with, but it's making him take his anger out on us and making me hate him.

-My friend (Philippa) is dealing with guilt, and I'll helping to counsel her. I really want to help her, but it's hard.

-I'm failing Algebra

-My best friend is moving at the end of the year.

-None of my supposed friends (except for Philippa) either notices or cares that something is wrong

-I haven't cried for months

-Shannon is confusing me to no end

-I feel lonely all the time

-I might have an autoimmune disease called Celeac disease

I can't deal. I have tried many methods of dealing with this. I have started to close my feelings up inside me. I haven't cried in months, which is not normal for me. When I feel like crying, my face just goes dead. Nothing happens. Even so, I think I haven't been acting normal. I'm surprised my family hasn't even noticed. Which just makes me sort of hate them. I don't want to hate them. They are my family... but I can't help it. It's mostly my parents. Not so much my siblings. I hate everything.

everything is pointless.

Panic! At The Disco: The Ballad Of Mona Lisa

:O orgasmmmmsssss

Stuck Unwillingly in Middle School

It's not fair. My grade seems to be split in two. There are the people who have given up Middle School thinking and have moved on to High School, like me, and a few of my friends. But, then some others including one of my closest friends, and it's not fair, becuase she is all like "Oh, this year sucks. I want to go back to 8th grade. I loved 8th grade." And I hate that. 8th grade sucks for me. I love her, but she needs to grow up a little

Why Me? Desperate for Answers.

Why Me? Over the years, from the time I was 12, but, the question it is even more important now. Now, if you are a girl reading this, and you go through the same thing I do... please, message me or something, because I feel very alone. Every month (:p Now you know where I'm going) for two days... I get cramps so bad, I can't move, throw up everything in my stomach (even medicine, if I don't take it fast enough) and my legs hurt. I hate it. I feel as though it controls my life. Like today for example. It's my second day, and I had swimming this morning. I got up, and felt ok, and I got ready... then it started to hurt. I took a pill... and waited... and waited. At this point, I was in the locker room at the pool. I couldn't move. It hurt so badly, it took all my will power not to scream. In my head, I beg for someone to shoot me, point blank, so I can end this agony. I had to leave, because I couldn't do practice. I was fine later, because the medicine kicked in, but I felt so angry. I hate that I can't control that. I hate that it dictates my schedule. I HATE it. I just wish I had a magic pill to make it go away. I just want my life back.

My Life is Complicated

My Life is too complicated. Alsak has lost. He has lost me... because I can't wait anymore. But, there is this other guy... I met him on ISTA, and from the minute I caught him looking at me... I have felt a pull towards him. I really liked him. But he has a girlfriend... so I put the feelings aside. But, then we keep talking, and I find out he likes me too. And now, I love him and he says he loves me too. He makes me laugh and he makes m heart stop just by smiling. He is my perfect devil. And he calls me his sweet angle. I seriously... seriously like him. And I feel like a horrible person saying this but, I wish he and his girlfriend break up so he could be with me. I'm a horrible person! :(

Confused and in need of a Hero

I'm so confused. I like him so much. I had a swim meet in Cobham England on Friday 3rd. We were on a bus for 7 hours. We talked and laughed, and flirted. Then at the swim meet, we kept talking. He helped me out and stuff. When I was finished with my events and his last one didn't happen for a while, we went to sit on some comfy couches and I sat in his arms talking. He asked me if I wan't to go back and I said "Not really, but it's up to you." He just looked at me and said "We can stay for a little while longer." So we did, and then we left. The next day, we had a training, and then we had another 7 hour bus ride back. This is where it gets interesting.

I got kind of sick and he helped me out. Then half way into our journey, we were on the train, and he was lying down and the train jolted and I fell on top of him (with my back on his chest) and he put his arms around me and we stayed there. Then we got up after a little bit, and we just talked with the group. Then when we only had an hour or so left, he was sitting up kind of and I was lying on his chest. On of his arms was across my stomach and holding my hand (waffling!) and his other hand was on my neck/cheek... his fingers playing with the tips of my short hair on the back of my neck. My hand, the one that wasn't holding his, was doing the same thing, my thumb caressing his cheek. We talked and he looked at me so tenderly. He kept trying to make me smile. It worked. He also smiled (mostly with his brilliant eyes, but sometimes with his mouth). I loved it, but then we had to get out, because the bus was at the school.

Then on Monday, he was all cold again. Like nothing had ever happened. Like, I was nothing to him. I'm SO confused. But I know the bus ride happened because, I have witnesses. I didn't make it all up in my head!!! I know I didn't! I just am confused. So, anyone want to give some advice? I would love a hero right now. Preferably male, but all heroes may apply! :) Anyone?

Kate Nash - Nicest Thing

This song is soooo relevant!!!!!!

A Lot Has Happened

Lots have happened to me. Some good, some bad. Like, School is just school. I still swim in the mornings (5:30, three days a week and then a full day of school... I dare you to try that and see how you survive!) and now, we have rehearsal for the High School Play from 4:00 pm- 8:00 pm. I have very long days. But, I love it. I'm getting along with my friends. It's all good. I have had some issues, which I will explain in a minute... and I have been having boy trouble. It's nothing big. It's just hard. I really like him, and he likes me. But, I think he is scared of rejection. I'll figure it out. But, apparently, he likes it when I sit on his lap ;). I'll figure it out.

As I said before, I have been having some personal issues. Mostly, my head has not been in the right place. Especially in the show. I look at all the dancer girls and I get sad. They are so graceful and pretty and skinny. I'm not fat, I know... I have curves. But, I just wish I was as graceful as them, I feel as though I'm clunky and clumsy. Which is who I am, but it's kind of hard not to wish you were someone else sometimes. I'll be fine... but... I just needed to get it out there.

New and Old

It's New Years! Yes, I know I'm writing this a little bit late, but at least I'm getting it up there. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is, well new and old. This can be applied for anything. Such as the New headphones and the Old headphones. Or the New Car and the Old car. Even, the Old Me and the New Me. Yes, changes is what it's about. Change can be a good thing. It may seem like a bad thing to most people but, in fact it's good. I love change. If changed hadn't happened, I would have never met the people I know, never experienced all the great experiences and so on. Without change, Everyone would be children, never growing up. The human race would die out fast if that happened. This is why I want people this year to accept change in every form it comes. It may be hard, but you will live happier lives if you accept change. And isn't that what we strive for in life? Isn't happiness the ultimate goal? We have one life to live, so live it. Don't try to resist change, cuz it will happen no matter what you do, so just let go. That is kind of my words of wisdom for the beginning of the new year. I hope it goes well for all of you. :)