Already???

Finally got my new desk! I am very excited because now I have somewhere to work!!! And don't I need it. Already I have a lot to do... I have homework and I have to prepare for auditions and I still really want to work on my writing. Of course I knew my life was going to be busy, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. I have only had two days of school. Though, I do like the work, because after a summer of doing nothing... it's kind of a nice change. And I get to see my friends regularly now. Which is good. And in school, at lunch and stuff, I can FINALLY go off campus to the deli!!! :) I'm super excited about that. I have some cool people I get to spend time with and some really cool classes. Yes, I miss Emilie dearly, but I have made some new friends and have gotten closer to some old ones, so it's all good. I feel much more comfortable, I don't know why... but I do :) I have to go now, I have drama homework :D

First Days

Officially a sophomore! Wow, it's... different. It's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day. It's been fun, but sad at the same time. I realized how much I miss Emilie. After every class, my eyes immediately started to search for Emilie... and I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't there. Then at lunch, I was like, "Where the hell am I going to sit? And with WHO???" I solved it by sitting on D-level (where my locker is) and a few people where there. But, it's so strange. I know I will get used to it in a week or two... but it's hard. Plus, my little... friend woke me up this morning at 4:10 with cramps!!!!! That annoyed me! But, it wasn't so bad today, which was good. I had really chill classes which also helped lightening my mood. My Drama class is really great. Out of all the kids in my old class, only Elena is with me. The rest is from Dan's old class and 3 new kids. Out of the new kids, there is one girl who is NEW new to the school, and the two boys are just new to drama class. The new girl seems really cool. So over all, not a bad day. Now, I have tomorrow (first full day of classes) to look forwards too :p 

Twas the Night Before School

Twas the night before school, and all through the house, My siblings and I are frantically getting ready for the first day of school. The house is full of excited nerves. We still can't believe we are going back. My brother and I can't believe we are going to be 10th graders. Claire can't believe she is going to be an 8th grader. All of us can't believe school at all tomorrow... like it's just going to be another lazy summer day. Everyone is excited and scared. I myself am quite excited... but I have to keep reminding myself that Emilie will not be there with me. It's one of the things that is frightening me the most. I won't be able to receive her warm hug. But, i feel braver somehow today. I feel like, I'm going to survive. Of course I don't know this, but I'm hopeful. The thing with Hope is... it can be like an angle or a demon. When it's an angle, Hope brings ones spirits up and then delivers, giving the person a beautiful on-look on life. Then again, sometimes you have Hope, just to be torn down and crushed, giving a desolate on-look on life. The key is not to get your hopes up too high. I know first hand how hard this is... but, I am determined not to get my hopes up :) I know in my heart that I will survive on way or another.

Now, I must go. I am in the middle of a ritual my sister and I have. Every year before the first day of school, my sister comes into my room and we talk and do our nails and listen to music. She say "She is a super sexy unicorn-lover badass" G'night, and wish me luck for tomorrow :)

Looming in the Near Future

As I settle down for the night... I can't help the dark from entering my mind. It just two days, I will be back in school... as a 10th grader. This shouldn't be scary... right? I had braved 9th grade and nothing can be more frightful, plus, it's not the IB yet, with it's dreaded work load and stress. Yet, why do I feel so frightened? Maybe it is because, my best friend will not be with me for the first time since I came to this school. My best friend, who is truly, the closest person to me outside my family. I considered her as my sister... I still do. And ever since 6th grade, my first year at the school, she was with me... helping me, offering my comfort and friendship and a good sense. Now, she will not be with me. She is going to another school. While she goes on a new adventure... I have to stay and try a brave this school without her. I miss her... so much. Also, maybe part of the reason I am frightened is, what if I have people who I will not like in my class... stuck for another year to sit alone, and be with myself? Having a Dad as a teacher, I get to see the rough draft of the classes. Right now... it does not look good. It looks to be I have no close friends in them... besides my brother. Yes, these may change, with the influx of new student coming in. Which brings me to another point. Who will these new people be? Will they be like me? A scholarship student, not wanting to blend in with the crowd, but to stand out and try to be themselves? Or will they be sucked into the dark world of popularity, where every one is foolishly trying to be like each other, yet that world is full of jealousy and distrust and betrayal  Will they be sucked into that world, where the only defense is to be mean and spiteful? And will there be anyone for me? Someone who would love an outcast... a monster. Or will I spend another long year alone.... to have feelings for someone, but have them not return them? Or, just... alone... forever reminded of my faults and qualities that most people could never love. Reminded that there is no one for me... not until that one person can learn to love those faults and also see the good and precious in me.

Am I wrong to fear the unknown. It is inevitable that I must go. I will be brave. But, will I be strong enough? Will I be strong enough to be a good influence on others? Will I be strong enough to not be corrupted by others? Will I be strong enough to get through the year... or will I slowly fade into nothingness?

When Will it be My Turn?

I know it sounds stupid... and I have probably complained before, but... I guess... I just want to feel loved by a boy, outside my family. I know I'm still young and stuff... but I still feel like... am I really that uninteresting that I'm not worth getting to know or something? I know I'm strange... but isn't that more interesting than the stereotypical shallow, 'hot' girl that all the boys seem to go for? Does no one want have a kind of girl like me? I don't want to advertise myself and stuff... but, am I really just not worth anyone's time? It defiantly feels that way. I honestly am starting to believe it. I know, I may not have the skinniest body or the biggest boobs, or the softest skin or the nicest teeth or perfect hair... but, I'm (well I try to be) a good person. I guess, I'm just not worth anyone's time of day anymore. Everyone says "Don't worry, your time will come and all the boys will be asking for you!" But, I seriously don't believe that day will ever come. I don't believe that anyone will ever look at me twice. I don't believe anyone will think I'm worth... anything.

Moving Testimony

As you may know, I am a strong believer in Christ. Unless Communion is happening that Sunday, after worship, there is time allotted for people who have received a word or an image from God. We call these testimonies. I have gone up myself only twice, but I love listening to them, because sometimes, someone will have an image or something, and when they share, you feel it affect you being. It's a wonderful feeling. Anyway, today something unusual happened. After the worship and testimonies, there is a coffee break and then the sermon. Point is during the sermon, a women walked up and stood waiting for the speaker to finish the sentence. The speaker looked at the woman, smiled kindly and asked "Do you want to say something?" The woman nodded and proceeded to tell us her testimony.

The woman talked about how, a few days ago, she and he husband went to check up on the baby she was carrying. They found out that the baby was not in the womb anymore. it had ruptured her womb and moved to her intestine. The doctor said this may have happened a few days earlier. She had been carrying a liter of blood, that wasn't supposed to be there. So she had emergency surgery. They removed the fetus and the excess blood. She then proceeded to tell us that when she woke up out of the medicine, all she could think of was Jesus. And even though her husband and herself were morning the loss of their baby, she was still thankful that she was alive. She was thankful that god allowed her to stay here on earth. It very well could have been killed.

The story was so moving. It touched my heart, realizing the full kindness of God. Yes, the baby dies, but the woman didn't. God really is always with you. After that, I couldn't concentrate. The only I kept replaying over in my head, was me walking up to the woman and telling her that god really has his arms around her in a tight embrace. I kept thinking this over and over, and I realized that this is a message from God, telling me to go to her and say it. So I did. I was nervous because I had never done that kind of thing before, but I really felt that it was important that I did. The woman was very nice, and I could see in her eyes that it helped her a little, to get confirmation from someone else that God loves her. It was an amazing service today.

Am I a Sucker?

   Gosh, I have some bad luck. One guy who seemed really interesting hasn't talked to me in a while. Even though I know he has been on facebook and stuff, because he updates his status all the time. Great... Now, I'm chatting to this really cool guy whom I met on ISTA (NOT SHANNON!) During ISTA I had a small crush on him. He is from Lebanon. He was super sweet to me and really fun and easy to talk too. At the dance on ISTA he found out no boy has ever really asked me to dance, so he walked up to me, garbed my waist, and my hand and dance with me, old fashioned style. It was sweet and funny and cute. We just talked a lot and he made me laugh all the time. At the airport when we had to wait to for the flight and so did he. We talked and hung out with the two groups. When it was time to part way, I wanted to kiss him, but I thought he thought of me as a little kid. We talked on skype and facebook for a while and then fell out of touch.
A few weeks ago, we got talking again. And yesterday, it started getting intimate. I think I'm developing a small crush on him. He told me, that he finds me really cute and attractive. It also turns out that at the airport those many months ago, he also wanted to kiss me when we said goodbye but he was too shy. I find out that he doesn't think of me as a little kid at all. 


     Am I a sucker for boys who say sweet things to me? Am I just setting myself up for another heartache? Or is something real happening and I'm just being paranoid. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel pretty. I always tell myself that I am, so I don't do anything rash, but, in reality, I feel plain and insignificant. Am I being dumb, imagining everything? I think I'm starting to like him more than I should and I'm scared. Scared of what it might do to me if my nightmares are correct... just scared. What am I to do?