As I settle down for the night... I can't help the dark from entering my mind. It just two days, I will be back in school... as a 10th grader. This shouldn't be scary... right? I had braved 9th grade and nothing can be more frightful, plus, it's not the IB yet, with it's dreaded work load and stress. Yet, why do I feel so frightened? Maybe it is because, my best friend will not be with me for the first time since I came to this school. My best friend, who is truly, the closest person to me outside my family. I considered her as my sister... I still do. And ever since 6th grade, my first year at the school, she was with me... helping me, offering my comfort and friendship and a good sense. Now, she will not be with me. She is going to another school. While she goes on a new adventure... I have to stay and try a brave this school without her. I miss her... so much. Also, maybe part of the reason I am frightened is, what if I have people who I will not like in my class... stuck for another year to sit alone, and be with myself? Having a Dad as a teacher, I get to see the rough draft of the classes. Right now... it does not look good. It looks to be I have no close friends in them... besides my brother. Yes, these may change, with the influx of new student coming in. Which brings me to another point. Who will these new people be? Will they be like me? A scholarship student, not wanting to blend in with the crowd, but to stand out and try to be themselves? Or will they be sucked into the dark world of popularity, where every one is foolishly trying to be like each other, yet that world is full of jealousy and distrust and betrayal Will they be sucked into that world, where the only defense is to be mean and spiteful? And will there be anyone for me? Someone who would love an outcast... a monster. Or will I spend another long year alone.... to have feelings for someone, but have them not return them? Or, just... alone... forever reminded of my faults and qualities that most people could never love. Reminded that there is no one for me... not until that one person can learn to love those faults and also see the good and precious in me.
Am I wrong to fear the unknown. It is inevitable that I must go. I will be brave. But, will I be strong enough? Will I be strong enough to be a good influence on others? Will I be strong enough to not be corrupted by others? Will I be strong enough to get through the year... or will I slowly fade into nothingness?
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