Looming in the Near Future

As I settle down for the night... I can't help the dark from entering my mind. It just two days, I will be back in school... as a 10th grader. This shouldn't be scary... right? I had braved 9th grade and nothing can be more frightful, plus, it's not the IB yet, with it's dreaded work load and stress. Yet, why do I feel so frightened? Maybe it is because, my best friend will not be with me for the first time since I came to this school. My best friend, who is truly, the closest person to me outside my family. I considered her as my sister... I still do. And ever since 6th grade, my first year at the school, she was with me... helping me, offering my comfort and friendship and a good sense. Now, she will not be with me. She is going to another school. While she goes on a new adventure... I have to stay and try a brave this school without her. I miss her... so much. Also, maybe part of the reason I am frightened is, what if I have people who I will not like in my class... stuck for another year to sit alone, and be with myself? Having a Dad as a teacher, I get to see the rough draft of the classes. Right now... it does not look good. It looks to be I have no close friends in them... besides my brother. Yes, these may change, with the influx of new student coming in. Which brings me to another point. Who will these new people be? Will they be like me? A scholarship student, not wanting to blend in with the crowd, but to stand out and try to be themselves? Or will they be sucked into the dark world of popularity, where every one is foolishly trying to be like each other, yet that world is full of jealousy and distrust and betrayal  Will they be sucked into that world, where the only defense is to be mean and spiteful? And will there be anyone for me? Someone who would love an outcast... a monster. Or will I spend another long year alone.... to have feelings for someone, but have them not return them? Or, just... alone... forever reminded of my faults and qualities that most people could never love. Reminded that there is no one for me... not until that one person can learn to love those faults and also see the good and precious in me.

Am I wrong to fear the unknown. It is inevitable that I must go. I will be brave. But, will I be strong enough? Will I be strong enough to be a good influence on others? Will I be strong enough to not be corrupted by others? Will I be strong enough to get through the year... or will I slowly fade into nothingness?

When Will it be My Turn?

I know it sounds stupid... and I have probably complained before, but... I guess... I just want to feel loved by a boy, outside my family. I know I'm still young and stuff... but I still feel like... am I really that uninteresting that I'm not worth getting to know or something? I know I'm strange... but isn't that more interesting than the stereotypical shallow, 'hot' girl that all the boys seem to go for? Does no one want have a kind of girl like me? I don't want to advertise myself and stuff... but, am I really just not worth anyone's time? It defiantly feels that way. I honestly am starting to believe it. I know, I may not have the skinniest body or the biggest boobs, or the softest skin or the nicest teeth or perfect hair... but, I'm (well I try to be) a good person. I guess, I'm just not worth anyone's time of day anymore. Everyone says "Don't worry, your time will come and all the boys will be asking for you!" But, I seriously don't believe that day will ever come. I don't believe that anyone will ever look at me twice. I don't believe anyone will think I'm worth... anything.

Moving Testimony

As you may know, I am a strong believer in Christ. Unless Communion is happening that Sunday, after worship, there is time allotted for people who have received a word or an image from God. We call these testimonies. I have gone up myself only twice, but I love listening to them, because sometimes, someone will have an image or something, and when they share, you feel it affect you being. It's a wonderful feeling. Anyway, today something unusual happened. After the worship and testimonies, there is a coffee break and then the sermon. Point is during the sermon, a women walked up and stood waiting for the speaker to finish the sentence. The speaker looked at the woman, smiled kindly and asked "Do you want to say something?" The woman nodded and proceeded to tell us her testimony.

The woman talked about how, a few days ago, she and he husband went to check up on the baby she was carrying. They found out that the baby was not in the womb anymore. it had ruptured her womb and moved to her intestine. The doctor said this may have happened a few days earlier. She had been carrying a liter of blood, that wasn't supposed to be there. So she had emergency surgery. They removed the fetus and the excess blood. She then proceeded to tell us that when she woke up out of the medicine, all she could think of was Jesus. And even though her husband and herself were morning the loss of their baby, she was still thankful that she was alive. She was thankful that god allowed her to stay here on earth. It very well could have been killed.

The story was so moving. It touched my heart, realizing the full kindness of God. Yes, the baby dies, but the woman didn't. God really is always with you. After that, I couldn't concentrate. The only I kept replaying over in my head, was me walking up to the woman and telling her that god really has his arms around her in a tight embrace. I kept thinking this over and over, and I realized that this is a message from God, telling me to go to her and say it. So I did. I was nervous because I had never done that kind of thing before, but I really felt that it was important that I did. The woman was very nice, and I could see in her eyes that it helped her a little, to get confirmation from someone else that God loves her. It was an amazing service today.

Am I a Sucker?

   Gosh, I have some bad luck. One guy who seemed really interesting hasn't talked to me in a while. Even though I know he has been on facebook and stuff, because he updates his status all the time. Great... Now, I'm chatting to this really cool guy whom I met on ISTA (NOT SHANNON!) During ISTA I had a small crush on him. He is from Lebanon. He was super sweet to me and really fun and easy to talk too. At the dance on ISTA he found out no boy has ever really asked me to dance, so he walked up to me, garbed my waist, and my hand and dance with me, old fashioned style. It was sweet and funny and cute. We just talked a lot and he made me laugh all the time. At the airport when we had to wait to for the flight and so did he. We talked and hung out with the two groups. When it was time to part way, I wanted to kiss him, but I thought he thought of me as a little kid. We talked on skype and facebook for a while and then fell out of touch.
A few weeks ago, we got talking again. And yesterday, it started getting intimate. I think I'm developing a small crush on him. He told me, that he finds me really cute and attractive. It also turns out that at the airport those many months ago, he also wanted to kiss me when we said goodbye but he was too shy. I find out that he doesn't think of me as a little kid at all. 


     Am I a sucker for boys who say sweet things to me? Am I just setting myself up for another heartache? Or is something real happening and I'm just being paranoid. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel pretty. I always tell myself that I am, so I don't do anything rash, but, in reality, I feel plain and insignificant. Am I being dumb, imagining everything? I think I'm starting to like him more than I should and I'm scared. Scared of what it might do to me if my nightmares are correct... just scared. What am I to do?

Damn Exams

I hate the end of year exams. They are two stressful. I have done 3 out of 6. And science is coming up. I'm kind of freaking out... but I think it will be fine. The exams I'm worried about is Algebra. I don't want to fail the course. I don't want to repeat the course for the summer. I hope I pass. I don't care if I go into Math 10! I WANT to go into Math 10. I'm freaking out!!! I just want to do ok, and its not looking good. I'm not doing well in the class itself, so how am I going to do good under the stress of the exam. This is bullshit.

On a happier note, there is this guy I'm interested in... and he has asked me out to go on a sort of date. I'm really happy. He seems my type. Kind of a badass but sweet and gentlemanly like at the same time. We have a butch in common. Hes really cool and hes a writer!!! :) I'm not sure where its going but, I'm interested. :)

Coming To A Close

Things are coming to a close. Such as the school year. I'm starting exams on Friday and after that I will no longer be a freshman and will be a sophomore-to-be. I am nervous for the exams, but I think I will be fine. Another thing that is coming to a close is some of my friendships with people. My best friend is moving to go to a good school in Denmark. I don't want to loose her, but I know she will be happy in her new school. There are many others. But, this lets new things come in. This summer, after school has ended, I'm going to see my family in the states. I haven't seen them for 2 years. Next year, I am going to be 16. I will make new friends. Plus, I have been so confused with this boy all year, and I have tried to convince myself he is just my friend. I have done this successfully, but still, my heart still sometimes stirs. Turns out he is moving to Shanghai. Yes, I am sad that he won't be around anymore, because he was a good friend... but in him moving, it can let someone else in... whom I have already met, and am interested. See, it's true. When a door closes something else opens. Sometimes, it's a window, sometimes it a giant hole in the wall and sometimes, it's another door. :)   

A Girl's Best Friend.

Everyone says, that a girl's best friend is chocolate. This has become the stereotype. But, while I do love some chocolate once in a while, for me... my best friends (that are objects) are books and candy :). Once a month, for two days, the cramps are ever present. I do take medicine, but sometimes it doesn't work. So, someone reads out loud or I read a book, to help my body relax around the pain and to take my mind off it. Because, after the pain has subsided (because the pill is finally working), I fall asleep. I sleep because, my body is tired after the ordeal it's just been through. And then my dreams are then filled with wonderful dreams, instead of nightmares of pain. The candy comes in, when I'm feeling sad or down, I don't go for chocolate, I go for candy. It's delicious and sweet. I absolutely LOVE it. Plus, I have cravings for sweet things often, so I turn to candy. While chocolate can be sweet, it just isn't the same thing. That is why these two things are MY best friends. :)