Logic Out the Window

How I long to die. Or at least curl up into a ball and just stop existing. I don't want to live. Reality fucking sucks. I know what you are thinking... She has a good life! She goes to a really good school, is relatively smart, has access to food, has a loving and supportive family and friends. There is no logical reason for her to want to die. Well, lets throw logic out the window while I shed light on this little subject.

You are slightly right... I had a relatively good life. Yet, I still wish I didn't exist. A simple explanation of this could be that the people at my school aren't not very friendly or I have a lot of pressure. If you don't really care about me and are just curious, then this works. That is the only reason and I'm "over-reacting" and there isn't anything dark or twisted in me. You may leave now, satisfied with this answer. But, if you are brave and think that there may be something else wrong... keep reading. Here is where I reveal the truth.

Are you sure you ready for this?

Are you positive?

Just, be prepared.

Are you sure?
Yes?

Then read on

Here is the dark truth.

Thing is, while i do have nice friends and a great family that I love to bits, they aren't where I get my sadness or darkness from. It all comes from me. I loathe myself to no end. I hate a lot of things about me. You want a list? One: I HATE that things effect me so deeply; Two: I blow up at things sometimes and then everyone acts like I'm a monster; Three: I HATE the way I look; Four: I don't think I'm pretty... only average; Five: I just don't like what I see in the mirror every morning; Six: I WILL NOT believe you if I say I look good....

You get the idea.

Another thing... I know I have said it before, but... is there something wrong with me? Seriously... is there? There has got to be a reason why boys just don't seem to look at me like that. So, there must be something wrong with me right? That is the only thing I can come up with. I feel like I am never going to find someone for me. I saw two pictures on the internet. One said "I wonder if I'm anyone's crush? LOL Nah..." and the other said "I wonder if anyone ever looks at me and thinks 'Wow. She's beautiful.'" These are the thoughts that revolve around my head a lot, with no answers.

Again, this is hard to explain. I just hate myself. I don't think I'm worth anything. I feel useless, clumsy, awkward, ugly, not skinny, and worthless. I don't think my life is worth taking up the space. Thats all I feel like... just a waste of space.

(This is just a portion of what is going on in my head.... I may blurb more some other time)

Ugggg!!!!

UG! Man, today sucked! PEOPLE SUCK! Kids, if you have the chance between being a 5 or 6 year old forever, or growing up... choose to stay a kid. People tend to suck when they get older. GAH! I AM PISSED OFF! It's even worse where I am. My school is full of kids who are well off. I'm a scholarship student and I at least practice something called humanity. I am so mad at this one girl, who is supposed to be a close friend of mine. I really want to say this to her:
           "Did you have time enough to study for the somewhat non important 10th grade midterm exams, bitch? Well, guess what. FUCK YOU! I AM DONE WITH YOU! YOU HAVE TURNED INTO UN UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SNOB! JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM! Yea, remember me? I'm the girl who actually liked you for you and THOUGHT you were amazing!!! Remember when we used to say "It's us against the World?" Or have you forgotten? Who was there when the whole Nick thing happened, and who was it that was over at your house contently and let you rant and pour your feelings out, without ever complaining EVEN THOUGH she was going through shit too? It wasn't Anne Katherine, or Sylvia  Oh yea, IT WAS ME! I honestly cant take it anymore. If you want to screw you life up and fuck everyone else over, be my fucking guest. I'm just not going to be there when your twisted world crashes around you. Now you know, I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces anymore. And maybe you never felt you needed me. But, I wish you some FUCKING luck to find another person who will do that. Your gonna need it."
        I REALLY want to say this to her... but, I can't. I'm too much of a nice person. I have no idea what to do with her. And I really wish I could help... but I can't. I don't know what to do, and I don't have the energy for it anymore. I would love to stay her friend... but not when she is acting the way she is. I liked the sweet pippa better. I like the Pippa who used to laugh with me and who used to come to my house all the time and who just generally gave the feel that she genuinely liked me. I don't have a lot of people in my life like that at the moment.

Really Hard Day

Man, what a hard day today. First off, let me tell you something. I normally go to bed at midnight every night because I have lots of work I need to do. That's fine. I have gotten used to it. Now, picture this. You go to bed at midnight, but then you have to get up at 5am to go to swim practice. Oh, and it gets better. When you get to training, you find out it's going to be hard. You already could never really do long distance... but now that you have developed Iron Deficiency Anemia, it makes it even harder. Somehow, you survive... but then you are looking at a full day of school and play practice (which you have a lead in and have to help everyone else with their parts because you have a good eye) after school until 18:30, running on very little food and a lot of water, because you want to watch your weight. Then you are up till midnight and the whole process repeats itself. This is my life, on a normal day. This doesn't include Saturdays and Sundays. So as you can see I have a busy life. I am not complaining... but then you have one day where it's just shitty. Today for example. Hard training in the morning and then hard classes. Then, because I had finished my scene, I had to help people get costumes and props and stuff and help people do lines AND helping people ACT BETTER! Then YOU'RE FATHER YELLS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE INSENSITIVE! Yes! I get it! His hand hurts after all the surgery and stuff! I GET IT! But, I LITERALLY thought I was going to collapse on my feet. MY VISION EVEN WENT DARK AT ONE POINT! BUT NOOOOO, I FOUGHT IT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FAINT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! And, then he is yelling at me and calling me names. Of course I knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of the things he said, but it still hurt. Plus, whenever I go into math class, I actually feel like I am RETARDED! I feel like the STUPIDEST person on the plant, even though I am working so hard to get that grade up. AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE- I am REALLY insecure! But, i don't tell anyone that, because I know people will just tell me I have no reason to feel like that, INSTEAD of someone actually helping me. OH! And I am having a LOT of trouble with friends. I won't go into that right now and save it for another day.

The point is, I have a lot on my plate. I honestly don't think my life sucks... but sometimes, it just gets so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. I always pull myself back up, but sometimes you just need to rant. You need to let out your frustrations. Right now though... I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Talking to Old Friends

I love talking to old friends. I really do. It makes me feel connected and brings up good memories that I almost forget. The thing is... you have to be careful sometimes. Sometimes when you talk to someone you used to like, ghosts of those feelings arise. You have to force them down. But, then other times... it's not always a bad thing. Like, just last night, I was talking to an old friend who happened to be my first boyfriend. I remembered about much of a cool person he was. I was super happy to talk with him again. We were just talking about random things and he asked me what was going on in my life at the moment. I said some things, but I also said I was single. I knew he had a girlfriend... and I was ok with that. Then he said it sucked that I was single. My insecurities leaked through and I explained that I wasn't surprised that I was single. He then typed, "What? I don't know what kind of guys you know, but you are hot and smart and fun. You are easy to talk to. You are like, most guys dream girl. Don't doubt yourself for a second. Once again, if I weren't taken I'd go for you. Hell, I'd do long distance for a girl like you." This made me blush and made my stomach  tingle. We kept talking and then it came round again. He then said, out of the blue, "Listen, when I'm single... if your still single... do you want to... I don't know... try this whole long distance thing out?" My heart leapt and speed up a thousand times over. I felt like flying. Of course.... he is taken at the moment.... and we will see where that goes... but I can't help the little glimmer of light flickering to life in my heart.

New Idea?

I have this new idea for a story. I want to make it a girl from the 50s and about her teenage life. Should I go with it? Here is a snippet from the top of my head.

     The dance was amazing. The balloons were everywhere and all different colors. They were playing rock and roll. I love Elvis Presley! "Come on, lets dance!" I say to my friend. We go out on the dance floor. No one has asked to dance with me yet, and I'm betting no one will. I try not to care and let the music sweep me. My green poodle skirt with pink polka dots swirled and twirled as I moved to the music. I dance with my friends laughing and generally having a good time. Then I noticed someone across the room watching me. It was the new boy, and he was looking either at me or my friend Holly. I bet it was Holly. Holly was perfect. She was petite and curvy. She had long curly blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. I wasn't like her at all. In fact I was an almost total opposite  I turned to her as said over the music "I think the new boy is staring at you." I giggled. Holly looked and then rolled her eyes at me. "He's looking at you!" She laughed. My eyes got wide in surprise. No boy ever really showed interest in me. With my straight, Audrey Hepburn styled brown hair, my tall, lengthy body, green eyes, and freckles... I wasn't ideal. Yes, I had curves... but that was it. He couldn't be staring at me. I looked again. He really was looking at me! "Golly..." I said under my breath. Holly laughed "Jane..." She said "Of course he is staring at you! You look rocking!" I laughed at the use of the word, and a blush formed on my cheeks. We were still dancing. The music was really good. I decided to be brave. So, with my finger, I motioned the new boy over.

Back in the Days

Just now, I was looking in the mirror, trying on cloths, playing music and I couldn't help feeling... sad. I just kept looking and kept thinking "There is nothing special about you... nothing that makes you stand out... except your short hair... and even then.... its nothing special." I tried to block the thought out. I tried with all my might. But, sadly they kept coming back, snaking around my head like a horrible fog. I have always tried to stand out, but am I really all that different from all the girls in my school. I try desperately not be like them, but somehow... I feel like its not working. I feel like I'm starting to become like the people I despise. I keep thinking about my looks. I keep wishing for cool cloths. I keeping wishing to be like the girls I see on TV. I keep silently obsessing about my weight. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't want to be like this, but somehow it happened. I want to go back to the days where I didn't care what people thought of me. Where I didn't think about cloths, or makeup, or my weight. I want to go back to the days where it was totally fine that I didn't think like everyone else. Where life was easy. I didn't have to worry about looking good or thinking "What if I look bad.... what if I look stupid..." I didn't have any of that when I was young. I was happy with just being me. But, now... I don't think I like what I see anymore. I like whats on the inside, but not the outside. Gah! I hate this. I just want to feel happy. I hate being insecure! But I CAN'T HELP IT! And that is what scares me.

7/10/2012 - 00:42

I have no inspiration what so ever...