Just done

I'm sorry I haven't been on for a while. Wait... Why am I even apologizing? No one reads this anyway...
Anywho...
I am so done with everything. I am so done with life. I'm alone and I don't want to be here anymore. All I want to do, is lie down and sleep forever. All I want to do is die. I just am so done with life right now. I'm sick of being on this earth. I have pills ready for when I get the balls just to do it. The only thing I'm doing right now to deal with the damn pain right now is slicing through my skin. One day, I'm going to snap. One day ill have the balls to just end it.

Simply a scratch

Just, simply a scratch. Nothing more. That's what you think. Believe the lie I tell you and move on. Just a little scratch is all, no harm done. I probably got it when I went on a walk. Just believe that and yea, walk away.

Want the truth?

"I'm fine" really means "I'm not fine, please help"
"I'm just tired" really means "I can't take this anymore"
"I already ate" really means "I starve myself"
"Go away" really means "Show me you care enough to stay"
"I'm better, I promise" really means "I've never been this bad"
"I'm OK" really means "I want to die"

I'm slowly giving up. I'm that friend that has to walk behind the group when the path isn't big enough. I'm that friend that gets cut off in the conversation. I'm that friend who gets left behind when I asked them to wait for me. I'm that friend that doesn't get invited to hang out alot. I'm that friend that if I want to go to the mall or some place with a friend I have to be the one to invite the people to make sure I get included. I'll always be that friend.

You have no idea how much I don't want to wake up in the morning  I often imagine how people would react to my death. I'll break down and cry, I'll drag a razor across my skin, I'll scream out that I want to die, but no one will listen. I want to stop eating. I want to stop speaking. I want to stop smiling. But I'm scared someone will notice and do something stupid, like save me.

It's ok, I hate me too. Nobody wants me; not even myself. How can you stand to look at me? I can barley look at myself

I feel like I'm not anyone's first choice. Neither their favorite. Even if people tell me I'm important to them or I mean a lot to them, I know there's always someone they prefer to be with. Someone they choose over me. And that hurts. A lot.

Sometimes, when I'm with people or doing something... I can forget for a while. I laugh and smile and it feels real. But, then I get to my room and it always comes back. The crushing feeling of being alone and unwanted and worthless and disgusting. It always comes back, no matter what I do. Always.

Don't try to save me. I'm not worth the time.

Logic Out the Window

How I long to die. Or at least curl up into a ball and just stop existing. I don't want to live. Reality fucking sucks. I know what you are thinking... She has a good life! She goes to a really good school, is relatively smart, has access to food, has a loving and supportive family and friends. There is no logical reason for her to want to die. Well, lets throw logic out the window while I shed light on this little subject.

You are slightly right... I had a relatively good life. Yet, I still wish I didn't exist. A simple explanation of this could be that the people at my school aren't not very friendly or I have a lot of pressure. If you don't really care about me and are just curious, then this works. That is the only reason and I'm "over-reacting" and there isn't anything dark or twisted in me. You may leave now, satisfied with this answer. But, if you are brave and think that there may be something else wrong... keep reading. Here is where I reveal the truth.

Are you sure you ready for this?

Are you positive?

Just, be prepared.

Are you sure?
Yes?

Then read on

Here is the dark truth.

Thing is, while i do have nice friends and a great family that I love to bits, they aren't where I get my sadness or darkness from. It all comes from me. I loathe myself to no end. I hate a lot of things about me. You want a list? One: I HATE that things effect me so deeply; Two: I blow up at things sometimes and then everyone acts like I'm a monster; Three: I HATE the way I look; Four: I don't think I'm pretty... only average; Five: I just don't like what I see in the mirror every morning; Six: I WILL NOT believe you if I say I look good....

You get the idea.

Another thing... I know I have said it before, but... is there something wrong with me? Seriously... is there? There has got to be a reason why boys just don't seem to look at me like that. So, there must be something wrong with me right? That is the only thing I can come up with. I feel like I am never going to find someone for me. I saw two pictures on the internet. One said "I wonder if I'm anyone's crush? LOL Nah..." and the other said "I wonder if anyone ever looks at me and thinks 'Wow. She's beautiful.'" These are the thoughts that revolve around my head a lot, with no answers.

Again, this is hard to explain. I just hate myself. I don't think I'm worth anything. I feel useless, clumsy, awkward, ugly, not skinny, and worthless. I don't think my life is worth taking up the space. Thats all I feel like... just a waste of space.

(This is just a portion of what is going on in my head.... I may blurb more some other time)