Really Hard Day

Man, what a hard day today. First off, let me tell you something. I normally go to bed at midnight every night because I have lots of work I need to do. That's fine. I have gotten used to it. Now, picture this. You go to bed at midnight, but then you have to get up at 5am to go to swim practice. Oh, and it gets better. When you get to training, you find out it's going to be hard. You already could never really do long distance... but now that you have developed Iron Deficiency Anemia, it makes it even harder. Somehow, you survive... but then you are looking at a full day of school and play practice (which you have a lead in and have to help everyone else with their parts because you have a good eye) after school until 18:30, running on very little food and a lot of water, because you want to watch your weight. Then you are up till midnight and the whole process repeats itself. This is my life, on a normal day. This doesn't include Saturdays and Sundays. So as you can see I have a busy life. I am not complaining... but then you have one day where it's just shitty. Today for example. Hard training in the morning and then hard classes. Then, because I had finished my scene, I had to help people get costumes and props and stuff and help people do lines AND helping people ACT BETTER! Then YOU'RE FATHER YELLS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE INSENSITIVE! Yes! I get it! His hand hurts after all the surgery and stuff! I GET IT! But, I LITERALLY thought I was going to collapse on my feet. MY VISION EVEN WENT DARK AT ONE POINT! BUT NOOOOO, I FOUGHT IT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FAINT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! And, then he is yelling at me and calling me names. Of course I knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of the things he said, but it still hurt. Plus, whenever I go into math class, I actually feel like I am RETARDED! I feel like the STUPIDEST person on the plant, even though I am working so hard to get that grade up. AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE- I am REALLY insecure! But, i don't tell anyone that, because I know people will just tell me I have no reason to feel like that, INSTEAD of someone actually helping me. OH! And I am having a LOT of trouble with friends. I won't go into that right now and save it for another day.

The point is, I have a lot on my plate. I honestly don't think my life sucks... but sometimes, it just gets so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. I always pull myself back up, but sometimes you just need to rant. You need to let out your frustrations. Right now though... I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Talking to Old Friends

I love talking to old friends. I really do. It makes me feel connected and brings up good memories that I almost forget. The thing is... you have to be careful sometimes. Sometimes when you talk to someone you used to like, ghosts of those feelings arise. You have to force them down. But, then other times... it's not always a bad thing. Like, just last night, I was talking to an old friend who happened to be my first boyfriend. I remembered about much of a cool person he was. I was super happy to talk with him again. We were just talking about random things and he asked me what was going on in my life at the moment. I said some things, but I also said I was single. I knew he had a girlfriend... and I was ok with that. Then he said it sucked that I was single. My insecurities leaked through and I explained that I wasn't surprised that I was single. He then typed, "What? I don't know what kind of guys you know, but you are hot and smart and fun. You are easy to talk to. You are like, most guys dream girl. Don't doubt yourself for a second. Once again, if I weren't taken I'd go for you. Hell, I'd do long distance for a girl like you." This made me blush and made my stomach  tingle. We kept talking and then it came round again. He then said, out of the blue, "Listen, when I'm single... if your still single... do you want to... I don't know... try this whole long distance thing out?" My heart leapt and speed up a thousand times over. I felt like flying. Of course.... he is taken at the moment.... and we will see where that goes... but I can't help the little glimmer of light flickering to life in my heart.