Really Hard Day

Man, what a hard day today. First off, let me tell you something. I normally go to bed at midnight every night because I have lots of work I need to do. That's fine. I have gotten used to it. Now, picture this. You go to bed at midnight, but then you have to get up at 5am to go to swim practice. Oh, and it gets better. When you get to training, you find out it's going to be hard. You already could never really do long distance... but now that you have developed Iron Deficiency Anemia, it makes it even harder. Somehow, you survive... but then you are looking at a full day of school and play practice (which you have a lead in and have to help everyone else with their parts because you have a good eye) after school until 18:30, running on very little food and a lot of water, because you want to watch your weight. Then you are up till midnight and the whole process repeats itself. This is my life, on a normal day. This doesn't include Saturdays and Sundays. So as you can see I have a busy life. I am not complaining... but then you have one day where it's just shitty. Today for example. Hard training in the morning and then hard classes. Then, because I had finished my scene, I had to help people get costumes and props and stuff and help people do lines AND helping people ACT BETTER! Then YOU'RE FATHER YELLS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE INSENSITIVE! Yes! I get it! His hand hurts after all the surgery and stuff! I GET IT! But, I LITERALLY thought I was going to collapse on my feet. MY VISION EVEN WENT DARK AT ONE POINT! BUT NOOOOO, I FOUGHT IT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FAINT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! And, then he is yelling at me and calling me names. Of course I knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of the things he said, but it still hurt. Plus, whenever I go into math class, I actually feel like I am RETARDED! I feel like the STUPIDEST person on the plant, even though I am working so hard to get that grade up. AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE- I am REALLY insecure! But, i don't tell anyone that, because I know people will just tell me I have no reason to feel like that, INSTEAD of someone actually helping me. OH! And I am having a LOT of trouble with friends. I won't go into that right now and save it for another day.

The point is, I have a lot on my plate. I honestly don't think my life sucks... but sometimes, it just gets so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. I always pull myself back up, but sometimes you just need to rant. You need to let out your frustrations. Right now though... I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Talking to Old Friends

I love talking to old friends. I really do. It makes me feel connected and brings up good memories that I almost forget. The thing is... you have to be careful sometimes. Sometimes when you talk to someone you used to like, ghosts of those feelings arise. You have to force them down. But, then other times... it's not always a bad thing. Like, just last night, I was talking to an old friend who happened to be my first boyfriend. I remembered about much of a cool person he was. I was super happy to talk with him again. We were just talking about random things and he asked me what was going on in my life at the moment. I said some things, but I also said I was single. I knew he had a girlfriend... and I was ok with that. Then he said it sucked that I was single. My insecurities leaked through and I explained that I wasn't surprised that I was single. He then typed, "What? I don't know what kind of guys you know, but you are hot and smart and fun. You are easy to talk to. You are like, most guys dream girl. Don't doubt yourself for a second. Once again, if I weren't taken I'd go for you. Hell, I'd do long distance for a girl like you." This made me blush and made my stomach  tingle. We kept talking and then it came round again. He then said, out of the blue, "Listen, when I'm single... if your still single... do you want to... I don't know... try this whole long distance thing out?" My heart leapt and speed up a thousand times over. I felt like flying. Of course.... he is taken at the moment.... and we will see where that goes... but I can't help the little glimmer of light flickering to life in my heart.

New Idea?

I have this new idea for a story. I want to make it a girl from the 50s and about her teenage life. Should I go with it? Here is a snippet from the top of my head.

     The dance was amazing. The balloons were everywhere and all different colors. They were playing rock and roll. I love Elvis Presley! "Come on, lets dance!" I say to my friend. We go out on the dance floor. No one has asked to dance with me yet, and I'm betting no one will. I try not to care and let the music sweep me. My green poodle skirt with pink polka dots swirled and twirled as I moved to the music. I dance with my friends laughing and generally having a good time. Then I noticed someone across the room watching me. It was the new boy, and he was looking either at me or my friend Holly. I bet it was Holly. Holly was perfect. She was petite and curvy. She had long curly blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. I wasn't like her at all. In fact I was an almost total opposite  I turned to her as said over the music "I think the new boy is staring at you." I giggled. Holly looked and then rolled her eyes at me. "He's looking at you!" She laughed. My eyes got wide in surprise. No boy ever really showed interest in me. With my straight, Audrey Hepburn styled brown hair, my tall, lengthy body, green eyes, and freckles... I wasn't ideal. Yes, I had curves... but that was it. He couldn't be staring at me. I looked again. He really was looking at me! "Golly..." I said under my breath. Holly laughed "Jane..." She said "Of course he is staring at you! You look rocking!" I laughed at the use of the word, and a blush formed on my cheeks. We were still dancing. The music was really good. I decided to be brave. So, with my finger, I motioned the new boy over.

Back in the Days

Just now, I was looking in the mirror, trying on cloths, playing music and I couldn't help feeling... sad. I just kept looking and kept thinking "There is nothing special about you... nothing that makes you stand out... except your short hair... and even then.... its nothing special." I tried to block the thought out. I tried with all my might. But, sadly they kept coming back, snaking around my head like a horrible fog. I have always tried to stand out, but am I really all that different from all the girls in my school. I try desperately not be like them, but somehow... I feel like its not working. I feel like I'm starting to become like the people I despise. I keep thinking about my looks. I keep wishing for cool cloths. I keeping wishing to be like the girls I see on TV. I keep silently obsessing about my weight. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't want to be like this, but somehow it happened. I want to go back to the days where I didn't care what people thought of me. Where I didn't think about cloths, or makeup, or my weight. I want to go back to the days where it was totally fine that I didn't think like everyone else. Where life was easy. I didn't have to worry about looking good or thinking "What if I look bad.... what if I look stupid..." I didn't have any of that when I was young. I was happy with just being me. But, now... I don't think I like what I see anymore. I like whats on the inside, but not the outside. Gah! I hate this. I just want to feel happy. I hate being insecure! But I CAN'T HELP IT! And that is what scares me.

7/10/2012 - 00:42

I have no inspiration what so ever...

Reality vs. Minds

Have you ever been watching a movie with your friends or family, and they are all talking, but you are silent? And you are silent because you are captivated by the movie? And you are desperately wishing you life was like that movie? I have. This usually happens when I watch movies from the 80s. Just tonight I was watching the Breakfast Club, and I kept wishing that my life would be like that movie. And then I realized why. I realized the reason that I so severely wanted to be in that movie was... no one bothered to... really... talk to me. Everyone assumes that I am ok... when I'm not. I'm really not... And I... I... I wish someone did. There is this girl, who shall remain nameless, who had problems. I'm not saying she is making them up or anything... I know she has a hard life... but people (me included) take her aside when she is upset and let her know she can talk to them. All I want is... someone who will do that for me. Someone who will realize that something is wrong and I am hurting inside. Someone who will take ME aside and say "Look, I know somethings up. You can tell me what's wrong." That is all I want. I think people assume that I have a good life and I have nothing to worry about. People assume that because I have a supporting family and friends, that I am ok. They always tell me, when I try to open up, that someone is worse off than me. They say stuff like "At least you have friends" or "At least you have a family that cares for you." And then I want to scream at them! I want to yell "I KNOW! I HAVE HEARD THIS A MILLION TIMES! BUT I STILL FEEL ALONE AND SAD AND SH*T! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN!?" But I never do. I keep my mouth shut, pretending that what they have said has made me feel better. And I never do. I feel so alone. I feel so unwanted. I feel so tired and sad. I just am...... alone...

New Territory

As you know, I have started school already. A lot of people have gone and a lot have come in. What I want to talk about, is my Drama class. Most of the people I know. There is this one girl though. She is new this year. We have really clicked. She seems really cool and nice. We have a few classes together and we go to the deli at lunch and everything. She even bought me food one day! And she has just gotten to know me. She is super easy going and fun to laugh with. She even loves My Chemical Romance, which is my favorite band. She is sooooo chill. I seriously hope that we will become close friends. She invited me over to her house on Friday and I'm excited to go. But, I am also scared. This is new territory for me. I haven't really made new friends in a while and I'm nervous. But, I'm pretty sure it will go fine. She is just really cool. and I really hope we will become close. I would really like that. Well, we will see :)