How I long to die. Or at least curl up into a ball and just stop existing. I don't want to live. Reality fucking sucks. I know what you are thinking... She has a good life! She goes to a really good school, is relatively smart, has access to food, has a loving and supportive family and friends. There is no logical reason for her to want to die. Well, lets throw logic out the window while I shed light on this little subject.
You are slightly right... I had a relatively good life. Yet, I still wish I didn't exist. A simple explanation of this could be that the people at my school aren't not very friendly or I have a lot of pressure. If you don't really care about me and are just curious, then this works. That is the only reason and I'm "over-reacting" and there isn't anything dark or twisted in me. You may leave now, satisfied with this answer. But, if you are brave and think that there may be something else wrong... keep reading. Here is where I reveal the truth.
Are you sure you ready for this?
Are you positive?
Just, be prepared.
Are you sure?
Yes?
Then read on
Here is the dark truth.
Thing is, while i do have nice friends and a great family that I love to bits, they aren't where I get my sadness or darkness from. It all comes from me. I loathe myself to no end. I hate a lot of things about me. You want a list? One: I HATE that things effect me so deeply; Two: I blow up at things sometimes and then everyone acts like I'm a monster; Three: I HATE the way I look; Four: I don't think I'm pretty... only average; Five: I just don't like what I see in the mirror every morning; Six: I WILL NOT believe you if I say I look good....
You get the idea.
Another thing... I know I have said it before, but... is there something wrong with me? Seriously... is there? There has got to be a reason why boys just don't seem to look at me like that. So, there must be something wrong with me right? That is the only thing I can come up with. I feel like I am never going to find someone for me. I saw two pictures on the internet. One said "I wonder if I'm anyone's crush? LOL Nah..." and the other said "I wonder if anyone ever looks at me and thinks 'Wow. She's beautiful.'" These are the thoughts that revolve around my head a lot, with no answers.
Again, this is hard to explain. I just hate myself. I don't think I'm worth anything. I feel useless, clumsy, awkward, ugly, not skinny, and worthless. I don't think my life is worth taking up the space. Thats all I feel like... just a waste of space.
(This is just a portion of what is going on in my head.... I may blurb more some other time)
